Swirled Chocolate and Vanilla Ice Cream

"I won't get into the why people can't see themselves in a mixed marriage here, because I've strayed off topic and around topic a little too much already."



"So, Evander, why can't people see themselves in a mixed marriage?"

Well, I'm glad I asked myself.

There are several half-baked theories I have.

Of course, I'm pulling a lot of these theories from other theories I've heard about or theories that other people have come up with and have already tested, so I don't claim any of those as being my own. But they are just thoughts.

Anyway to introduce the first thought, imagine the smartest person in the world. Ever.

Not someone you know, just the smartest person ever. Give this person a face, clothes, a body, a physical appearance.

...

So if you thought what I thought, then this guy is some white person. Possibly an Asian dude of some sort really good at math or something.

Maybe not. Any one individual might pick some other physical qualities this person has.

But when I asked myself the question, I imagined this white male of about 20 years who was a slacker in high school, but made decent grades. Regular, comfortable clothes. No glasses.

Am I close?

In any case, he was probably a "he". Not a woman.

He (or she, but I doubt many people thought that) probably wasn't Hispanic or a Pacific Islander. Probably not Native American.

Of course (and I'm not calling anyone out on being stereotypically prejudiced or anything,) anyone whose opinion would be honored in an intellectual conversation would say that any person could very well be the smartest person in the world, regardless of sex or race.

Or they might avoid the point by being postmodern asking "What kind of smart are you talking about?"



Not saying that there is anything wrong with a certain level of postmodernism, but you're not really much good for conversation if you can't answer moderately specific questions without deconstructing each point.



Anyway, I might follow up and ask, "Why did you think the smartest person in the world is this guy (or woman?)"

I can imagine the first words out of a mouth being, "I don't know." And you might not, right off the top of your head. Or if you don't know much about looking at stereotypes critically, you might not know at all.

But there is a reason for this. Most people I've asked are smart, rational people, and they can come up with a physical body for this genius of the human race.

I say people can come up with these reasons, because certain stereotypes exist for certain attributes that have nothing to do with the stereotypes.

"Male" and "smart" are probably more likely to be associated with each other than "female" and "smart."

"White" (the race) and "smart" are probably more likely to be associated with each other than "Hispanic" and "smart."

So.

If you made that association (without having much hesitation,) I believe there exists a certain level of racial discrimination within you.

-ation words are fun...

And in a roundabout way, I'm saying that this is not good. But most people, if not all people have a level of racism.

It would take all kinds of sheltering to stop it though. I mean, you'd have to be raised in a situation where you had races of all kinds in constant contact with you.

And then level of visible attributes (grades, athleticism, rhythm, artistic ability, etc.) would have to be similar across every race.

What you see on TV and in movies and on the Internet and on every visible medium would have to be similar across every race.

What you hear from every audible medium, from your friends, from your family, from your classmates, from your coworkers, from everyone you associate with on a regular basis would have to be similar across every single race.

But that's just not the case.

If you were like me, you came up in "college prep with excellence" classes as one of the few black people and most definitely one of the few black males.

You have multiple classes in race neutral, non-Historically Black Colleges and Universities where you are the only black guy and one of few blacks, period.

You knew a lot more black kids that dropped out than white kids.

You come across stats where black high school graduates aren't as likely to go to college than whites.

You hear music that rarely challenges you mentally from a lot of black artists (thanks, contemporary hip-hop and R&B...) and more from white artists (even though it's probably not much more in popular music in general.)

You've seen BET (I think that's the deal breaker.)

And that's just talking about whites and blacks.

And this isn't to say that whites are inherently smarter than blacks. I believe there are many blacks smarter than whites.

And there are cultures and subcultures that encourage or show a lack of encouragement for education. That upbringing can turn an otherwise intelligent person into a moderately intelligent one (or at least that we can see in class placement and grades/IQ scores.)

So a racist mindset is almost assured for all people who pay any attention to what TV/movies/Internet/observation/parents/friends say. Especially if, in addition, you observe (or think you observe) certain differences in the races.

So I take that and apply it to romantic relationships.

I would like to believe that if someone saw other, less superficial similarities in a person of a different race (or of his or her own race,) that this person could look past the physical differences, because physical differences (supposedly) don't matter. Then attraction of a meaningful level would be emphasized (attitudes, personalities, miens, interests, etc.) as opposed to shallow, categorical ones.

Supposedly.

However, we've been socialized to believe that there are differences among the races beyond skin color, body features, and diseases. These don't matter in choosing a partner of romantic interest that would have a decent chance at happiness and, in that, success.

Er, I haven't seen a relationship deteriorate, because one of them having sickle cell or anything.

None of any other of the differences are proven to be real based solely upon race. Cultural upbringing, perhaps, which is strongly tied to race.

But even if you put a person of a different race in a situation where he or she was brought up in the same culture as those of the dominant race, I'd imagine that he or she wouldn't be as desirable as the others of the majority (outside of other factors that matter in relationships.)

But maybe so.

I've heard people say they wouldn't date a person outside of their race, even if they were more or less like a person from their own culture and upbringing.



A friend said that people say somethings, but they don't always abide by it.



The example she gave was one of eye color. She said she always thought she preferred guys with blue eyes, but the only guys she's liked/dated had brown eyes.



...



Eye color doesn't have any widespread, socially reinforced stereotypes associated with it.

Race does.



So where her preference in eye color is, in fact, a preference...

In a lot of cases, race could be a prerequisite.



I can't imagine a person who actually liked another person turning down a romantic invitation from that person due to eye color.

I could very easily see it for race.



And I think most people could.



There are other prerequisites people might have. Height is probably my favorite. Age is not as common, but it's out there. Race. Build. Socioeconomic status.

Probably a few more, but I haven't done any research on anything other than these.



So, why can't some people see themselves in a mixed marriage?

For this point, it's because there are conscious prerequisites that overcome certain levels of attraction towards an individual.

Is that to say that people say in their minds or aloud, "I like her/him, but I'm not sure if I could date a -specific race- guy/girl."?

Yes. I think so. Due to the same of similar reason for why "the most intelligent person in the world ever" tends to be a white male.

Even if you feel that this is wrong, it may be impossible for you to "make" yourself like someone that you think could have a great relationship with. I mean, even I believe that attraction should feel natural and shouldn't require work.



So you end up with a situation where a relationships foundation are partially based off of internalized concepts of what a race is that could potentially conflict with what a person thinks a romantic partner should be. Of course, this results in a kind of racism that socially frowned upon. In fact, it is considered an individual, personal difference in preference.

I argue that this preference dictates who a person will not consider, because of the cognitive dissonance a specific race and romantic partner might have. That is not a preference. That is a requirement. Which wouldn't be so discomforting, except for the fact that race itself won't affect a relationship's quality.

I also argue that this is not personal. If it was personal, then the level and types of "preference" would be approximately evenly distributed among the population. It is not. People of certain backgrounds, cultures, and races generally believe the same stereotypes, or if they do not believe them or believe they are false or overgeneralizations, they may still unconsciously hold to those beliefs and feel so uncomfortable going against those norms, that the relationship would be unnatural and actually more likely to fail.



I'm not really sure if I made a proper point in all of that, but to sum, I believe widespread, deeply internalized racism causes much of the trend of homogeneous relationships.

Now it would be a valid argument to say that just because some disqualification occurs on irrelevant issues doesn't necessarily ensure poor choosing of romantic partners. I would acknowledge this point with no rebuttal.

I would say, however, that if one feels too attached to these superficial attributes, he or she may become to attached to the attributes of the person to disregard the other, more meaningful relevant attributes.



But that would be a point for another post as well.



Peace.

Love.

Smart Latina kids.